Star ***king, Across the Universe

[mundens]

via jenni_talula:

These are the voyages of The Lying Bastard, it's five year mission, to seek out strange new life forms, and fuck them. To boldly do what no man, or woman for that matter, has done before

The Detailed Starship Quiz LiveJournal Username Spaceship Name Spaceship Size VW BugSedanJet FighterFishing YachtTractor-TrailerAttack SubmarineNuclear Missile SubmarineAircraft CarrierQueen Mary Luxury LinerManhattan How is the spaceship piloted? YokeStickAs above, plus plenty of two-pole switches and buttons that light up when pressedTouch screensThere's one guy with a joystick in each hand, and we all just watch himNeural interfaceA full-body harnessThe pilot must be suspended in gooSome inscrutible alien attached to the ship does itRock MusicMarvin Gaye's Sexual PilotingThe main control is a teddy bear; piloting is by strategically hugging itPassive-aggressive banter with ship's computerThe Time Lords or Somebody tells us where to goThinking really hard about the destination How is the spaceship powered? FissionFusionAntimatterIrradiating CrystalsRock MusicCoal-fired SteamWood-burning SteamGasolineLoveForcing two people who can't stand each other to make out on the bridgeBaby sealsSmilesDimensional AnomalyBy feeding the alien creature that's the engineSexual FrustrationEarl Gray TeaMilkWaterGarbageTickling a member of an alien species while it's hooked up to the reactorOstrich or Chicken Critters on Treadmills What's the upholstery like on the seats? Hard PlasticSoft PlasticCloth UpholsteryLeather UpholsteryCloth like a Louis XIV CouchThat gel stuff they put on bike seatsBeanbag chairsInflatable chairsVinylBaby SealBrushed Aluminum How do you see outside the spaceship? PortholesLarge, hopefully sturdy windowsBig flat screenHolographic projector in center of bridgeSmall screens near each stationWristwatch TVsThe power of imaginationThe computer narrates like a movie for the blindThe computer sings an Australian songline What's the spaceship's primary purpose? PleasureExplorationCombatCargo HaulingGarbage DisposalScienceAgricultureRaw Materials ExtractionTransportationCommunicationsSmugglingGamblingSpreading Love and HappinessRock MusicOther What's the Captain's catchphrase? Main Weapon System: Squirrel Projector Main Defensive System: Force Shield Chance of catastrophic failure at critical moments 19% Voice of the ship's computer: micheal_gabriel Finds mandatory uniform unflattering: eloieli Looks sexy in mandatory uniform: evie_fae Ripped sleeves off mandatory uniform: jarratt_gray Spends an unhealthy amount of time in the weapons locker: taniwha_nz This Fun Quiz created by Akhmed at BlogQuiz.Net

An Avon-like Mundens stands, dressed in black, with his hands clasped behind his back.

Odd noises can be heard from the weapons locker as taniwha_nz indulges her technology fetish. The rest of the crew lie in a tangled mess on leather sofas in their mandatory uniforms, some more comfortably than others. Mundens addresses the ships computer.

"Slave, activate the prophylactic force shield, prepare the forward squirrel projectors, and accelerate to ramming speed!"

"Program repeated insertion maneuveurs targetting their forward docking bay until we break their defensive diaphragm, and then fire the squirrel projectors."

He makes a fist and moves it upwards in the ancient Roman symbol and cries "We'll fill their every cavity with squirrels!"

The rest of the crew briefly look up from the tangle of limbs of the sofa and raise a half-hearted and rather bored cheer. evie_fae, whose mandatory uniform seems to be made of less materiel than everyone else's, is definitely better tailored than eloieli's, but still has arms, unlike jarratt_gray's, stretches languidly, providing the obligatory cheescake shot for the scene.

Mundens gleefully examines the holographic projector which shows the trajectory of the microphone-shaped "Lying Bastard" as it accelerates towards forward docking bay of the waiting alien ship, which is nestled between two large protrusions that might be engine nacelles or landing legs, and bears a striking resemblance to an H.R.Giger design.

"Are you sure that's wise, Master? Should we be making such penetrative contract without first ascertaining what this species wants? Remember the Prime Directive!" says the obsequious micheal_gabriel-voice of the ships computer.

"Wise?" shouts Mundens. "Wise??!! If I was wise I would have fucking well disconnected you when I first boarded this bucket of bolts. I don't care what they want, I'm in charge, and I know what I want! Fuck the Prime Directive, and fuck that alien ship!"

"Yes, Master" says the ship's computer with a sigh.

"Let's do it to them before they do it to us!" cries Mundens, an unholy glee filling his eyes as another innocent alien vessel falls afoul of the galaxy-wide ravages of the Lying Bastard and it's crew.