Trenchcoats, Smokes, and Whiskey.
Aug. 14th, 2005 01:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mundensFirstly, and before anything else, I must publicly apologize to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
panda_pitt for my treatment of him Sunday morning. Thank you for caring and I'm sorry for being such an asshole.
Seeing Sin City and then being in a city of lights and darkness when receiving a phone call to say your wife has left you is both ironic and surreal. The thoughts in my head until around lunch time on Saturday were of blood and violence, the earlier film did not help, filled as it was with dumb thuggish men in trenchcoats hurting people, just like me (But is a damn good film!).
I purchased a pack of Camel, because the StarMart didn't have anything rougher. I had a death wish anyway, and felt like standing in the dark sucking on a cigarette. As I posted earlier, I was not a good person to be around. That, BTW is why I didn't call anyone or do any number of other things I could have done that involved other people after that call.
The last time I felt like I did last night, I almost knocked someone through a plate glass window. He was "lucky", it was armour glass and it only flexed and vibrated like a wobbleboard, instead of splintering and impaling him I didn't realize what I was doing to him until I "awoke" and found myself holding him in a thumb-lock as he writhed on the ground in front of me, while a crowd of Friday-night shoppers just watched. I don't know who the person was, they had just annoyed me by bumping into me, and then getting in my face about it, after I was already annoyed at something else. I don't know why I wasn't arrested. I shook in the car afterwards, realizing that I could easily have killed the guy before I came out of it.
I walked down to the Hutt River, sat on a convenient bench seat, had a smoke. Sang a few songs loudly because there was no-one who could hear. Walked back. That made me feel a bit tired.
Discoveredevie_fae had left a message anyway, even though I'd told people not to bother. Ended up going up there and talking about things and just lying and listening to music while Evie got on with her painting and chores. Later Evie lit the fire and gave me dinner, one of jarratt_gray's yummy feta and spinach pastries, and being loved ,warm, and fed, made me feel human again.
Shortly after that Jarratt, came home bearing whiskey, good whiskey, a 12yr Glenlivet, and we had a glass together. Then I went home. I hadn't slept since Thursday night and I was ready to crash.
Thanks, guys, for being there.
Sorry,jaadfan, and anyone else who expected to see me Saturday night at the party, I would have fallen asleep had I gone! Ele has made me miss parties both of the last two Saturdays now!
I woke rested this morning. I still can't be bothered doing anything useful. The glass from the things I broke on Sunday morning still litters the bedroom. I feel like leaving it there to remind me and to force me to be alert when walking over it, like some sort of martial arts training regime.
This morning I sang and played guitar in an empty house, and listened to music TV, occasionally crying.
It seems so silly making a pot of tea for only one person.
I need to try and write a list of things I need to do. I have to try and fight off the desire to do nothing and just let everything keep disintegrating. I have to come up with a reason to keep going. I have to find new dreams.
The one dream I will no longer hold is Ele. I don't know if I can ever forgive her for running away like that. For pretending that we were getting back together and then dumping me cold. No reason, no idea why.
I don't know where she is. I haven't heard anything from her yet. I don't care where she is and I never want to hear from her again. Hopefully I can see Ben and Luke again some time.
Now i need to start thinking about all the little things I need to do, like closing our shared accounts and changing the locks, trying to fnd out what bills need paying, etc. Including finding a lawyer in case it gets messy, putting the house on the market, and throwing out all the crap she's left behind. But it's hard to care enough to do anything.
If anyone reading this can contact her, they'd better tell her that she'll need to get the rest of her stuff sometime if she wants it. It would also help if she could give me some idea what bills she's paid and what's still outstanding. But no big hurry, I'll probably sit and mope for a few more days before I get round to doing anything and that's being optimistic.
My last post is now visible again, to friends only, though. I considered making it private, or deleting it, because I wasn't proud of what I wrote. But I wrote it and some people saw it, and I shouldn't censor things that make me look bad for that reason.
Next big thing will be whether I can be bothered going to work on Monday. I suppose I should also think about eating something today. Maybe some yoghurt.
panda_pitt for my treatment of him Sunday morning. Thank you for caring and I'm sorry for being such an asshole. Seeing Sin City and then being in a city of lights and darkness when receiving a phone call to say your wife has left you is both ironic and surreal. The thoughts in my head until around lunch time on Saturday were of blood and violence, the earlier film did not help, filled as it was with dumb thuggish men in trenchcoats hurting people, just like me (But is a damn good film!).
I purchased a pack of Camel, because the StarMart didn't have anything rougher. I had a death wish anyway, and felt like standing in the dark sucking on a cigarette. As I posted earlier, I was not a good person to be around. That, BTW is why I didn't call anyone or do any number of other things I could have done that involved other people after that call.
The last time I felt like I did last night, I almost knocked someone through a plate glass window. He was "lucky", it was armour glass and it only flexed and vibrated like a wobbleboard, instead of splintering and impaling him I didn't realize what I was doing to him until I "awoke" and found myself holding him in a thumb-lock as he writhed on the ground in front of me, while a crowd of Friday-night shoppers just watched. I don't know who the person was, they had just annoyed me by bumping into me, and then getting in my face about it, after I was already annoyed at something else. I don't know why I wasn't arrested. I shook in the car afterwards, realizing that I could easily have killed the guy before I came out of it.
I walked down to the Hutt River, sat on a convenient bench seat, had a smoke. Sang a few songs loudly because there was no-one who could hear. Walked back. That made me feel a bit tired.
Discovered
evie_fae had left a message anyway, even though I'd told people not to bother. Ended up going up there and talking about things and just lying and listening to music while Evie got on with her painting and chores. Later Evie lit the fire and gave me dinner, one of jarratt_gray's yummy feta and spinach pastries, and being loved ,warm, and fed, made me feel human again. Shortly after that Jarratt, came home bearing whiskey, good whiskey, a 12yr Glenlivet, and we had a glass together. Then I went home. I hadn't slept since Thursday night and I was ready to crash.
Thanks, guys, for being there.
Sorry,
jaadfan, and anyone else who expected to see me Saturday night at the party, I would have fallen asleep had I gone! Ele has made me miss parties both of the last two Saturdays now! I woke rested this morning. I still can't be bothered doing anything useful. The glass from the things I broke on Sunday morning still litters the bedroom. I feel like leaving it there to remind me and to force me to be alert when walking over it, like some sort of martial arts training regime.
This morning I sang and played guitar in an empty house, and listened to music TV, occasionally crying.
It seems so silly making a pot of tea for only one person.
I need to try and write a list of things I need to do. I have to try and fight off the desire to do nothing and just let everything keep disintegrating. I have to come up with a reason to keep going. I have to find new dreams.
The one dream I will no longer hold is Ele. I don't know if I can ever forgive her for running away like that. For pretending that we were getting back together and then dumping me cold. No reason, no idea why.
I don't know where she is. I haven't heard anything from her yet. I don't care where she is and I never want to hear from her again. Hopefully I can see Ben and Luke again some time.
Now i need to start thinking about all the little things I need to do, like closing our shared accounts and changing the locks, trying to fnd out what bills need paying, etc. Including finding a lawyer in case it gets messy, putting the house on the market, and throwing out all the crap she's left behind. But it's hard to care enough to do anything.
If anyone reading this can contact her, they'd better tell her that she'll need to get the rest of her stuff sometime if she wants it. It would also help if she could give me some idea what bills she's paid and what's still outstanding. But no big hurry, I'll probably sit and mope for a few more days before I get round to doing anything and that's being optimistic.
My last post is now visible again, to friends only, though. I considered making it private, or deleting it, because I wasn't proud of what I wrote. But I wrote it and some people saw it, and I shouldn't censor things that make me look bad for that reason.
Next big thing will be whether I can be bothered going to work on Monday. I suppose I should also think about eating something today. Maybe some yoghurt.
So now we got our independence.
what are we goiung to do with it?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-08-14 02:01 am (UTC)I had a very crappy breakup last year, but I knew to do those things, and it allowed the survival mechanisms to do their thing more efficiently.
If your work does the EAP thing, grab it! A bit of advice / someone you don't know to lisen to you can really help push the re-set button.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-14 04:22 am (UTC)Eating will be a problem. I'm not used to thinking about meals, and the few timnes I have lived alone, it has been in cities where there was always good cheap food somewhere near-by ort an all night supermnarket within walking distance. . Here, I'm going to have to think about actually picking up food before I want to eat it!
Yes, I'm useless, whaddaya expect from a guy who went from mum, to Air Force, to wife, without ever flatting?
I'm hoping mine won't be as bad as yours, but it hasn't started well.
Yeah, my work does do that, but we ghave to phone a US number to use it, and frankly the idea of talking to some US psycholigist does not fill me with much confidence seeing as all the sane ones seem to leaving the country!
I'd rather talk to you guys1! :)
BTW, I am sorry I didn't get over to your party. I was sorta hoping that we could have played guitars together a bit.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-14 04:40 am (UTC)And there'll be plenty of time for guitars dude.
Hmm US shrinks.... we get real live people!
no subject
Date: 2005-08-14 02:45 am (UTC)*Hugsyou*
no subject
Date: 2005-08-14 04:13 am (UTC)Feeling more and more realxed about it as time has passed.
In some ways she's done me a favour. She's given me a damn good reason not to want her back this time, something which is quite hard to do with me.
Have fun in your new house!
no subject
Date: 2005-08-14 03:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-14 04:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-14 05:33 am (UTC)my thoughts are with you anyway
no subject
Date: 2005-08-14 05:34 am (UTC)On the food front - assuming you have a microwave (although they can be oven heated) - the McCain heat and eat meals, while small, are very tasty. I particularly like the Thai Chilli Chicken and Satay Chicken flavours in that range. The're a quick fix if you get stuck. Also Rice Rissotto with stir fry veges added can be a quick, filling feed. Might sound odd, but I've become a bit of a 'one pan meal wonder' on the cooking front if you want any tips; saves on dishes and generally works out alright. I don't actually follow recipes but prefer the "that looks good, the flavours go together, and let's just make it up as we go principle."
Yoghurt? That's nice on it's own but you could add it on top of cereal or ice cream for something 'extra', if you like.
For getting rid of stuff - Bin Hire? They advertise weekly in the Upper Hutt Leader.
Work on Monday? Probably won't happen - you need to plan. Looks like you've already started. Chrissie and I are more than happy to help you with anything you need.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-14 06:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-14 07:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-14 08:36 pm (UTC)I'd second the thing about microwave food - gourmet it ain't, but it's fast and easy and it's better to eat something than nothing. There's quite a range of sizes and flavours these days - I like the lasagne and cottage pie types. Also fruit! Fruit is easy, self-packaged, portable and nicely portioned.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-15 06:59 am (UTC)